


It Isn’t a Bad Word

by Bhirdd



Category: Andrew Siwicki - Fandom, Shane Dawson - Fandom, garrett watts - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Smut, Trans, Transgender, gandrew - Freeform, trans andrew, transgender Andrew
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23880385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bhirdd/pseuds/Bhirdd
Summary: Being trans and coming to terms with being ok with your identity is hard enough, but falling in love with your best friend somehow makes it even more difficult.----------------Story will contain minor smut and possibly some triggering content
Relationships: Andrew Siwicki/Garrett Watts, Garrett Watts/Andrew Siwicki
Comments: 18
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,
> 
> This is (Baby).
> 
> Just want to let it be known that I do fully understand that the people in this story are real people. I am in no way trying to imply that these things, or anything close to these things, actually happen(ed). 
> 
> This writing is purely fiction. It's written for fun and as a way to vent. I myself am transgender ftm and gay and so a lot of how Andrew (main character ) feels is based off of ways I think and feel.
> 
> I'll be updating the story every other day (will post an update if that changes).
> 
> I'm also going to be uploading this to Wattpad, so if you see it on there don't worry. It's just me.
> 
> At the time of writing this, I just finished writing chapter 5.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> -(Baby)
> 
> Ps: If for some reason you know who I am (if you know my socials or my name) please do not read this. I am not comfortable with people who know me reading this since I share a lot of very personal thoughts through Andrew. <3

I sit on the corner of the bed, my sheets ruffling under my weight. I just am so… tired.

The covers seem to scream my name, begging me to just lay back down and forget the world exists, forget that I exist, forget that I’m built wrong.

I’m supposed to be going over to Shane’s to edit. I don’t even know what we’re working on today if I’m honest. The past few weeks have felt like such a blur. 

Everything seems to blend together now. Minutes turn to hours turn to days turn to months where I’m just drifting through life. I don’t know why my brain has been so out there lately. Nothing in my life has gotten any worse than it was.

My name is still Andrew, I still have friends, and I am still, sadly, transgender.

It’s weird, somehow, I still can barely get myself to say the word out loud. It feels gross. I’ve been living as Andrew for 3 years now but I somehow feel my hatred of being this way has gotten worse. I have only said the word, the “transgender” word, 3 times. Once to my parents, once to my sister, and once to my doctor. There’s other people in my life who know I am, but not many. Most don’t know. And I don’t really want them to know.

It is really hard though, to constantly have to hide things. 

For one, I can’t take my shirt off, because despite living as a man for the past 3 years, I still do not have the money to afford actual top surgery. I’ve thought about making a Go-Fund Me or something, but I can’t bring myself to do it because that would expose that I am in fact not cis. 

Maybe I could have gotten myself to do it a year ago, but not now.

Since starting to work with Shane, I feel like I’ve begun to somehow hate myself more. 

Not to say that any of this is Shane- or anyone within our friend groups- fault. It’s just that there’s now hundreds of thousands of people who see me. People who analyze me. People who try to guess if I’m hiding something.

“Why does Andrew look like he has tits? Lmao”

I start wearing more hoodies.

“Andrew has such fem eyes uGh I’m in l o v e”

I wear my glasses.

“Is he trans??”

I stay home.

It sucks. That sounds stupid and very much like an understatement (which it is), but my brain is tired and I don’t feel like thinking of a more well-thought out idea.

I begin to lay back down when my phone chirps.

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“What should I pick up for you? Waiting in the drive thru at Starbucks now :-)”_ **

I sigh but can’t help to smile. I just… God, I wish I was Garrett. I have such a weird bitter-sweet feeling toward him sometimes. 

On one hand, the big, very in-your-face hand, Garrett is my favorite person in the world. He really just wants what’s best for everyone. There’s been more times than I can count where he’s gotten me out of the bed in the morning without knowing it, like today.

There’s also a small, ugly hand which I wish would rot and die off already. It constantly nags in the back of my brain, reminding me that I am not, and will never be like him. I will never have the same kind of body as him, I will never be able to be as good of a person as him, and I’ll never be able to give him what he gives me.

I try to ignore that part though. The bigger hand is nicer to hold.

**_Me:_ **

**_“Can you pick up a chai for me? Lol I’d get coffee but I think my heart would actually stop working considering how much caffeine I’ve been drinking”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Of course! I should be there in 5. If you need more time just let me know, but I’m sure you could just roll out of bed and still look amazing anyway x”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“:-) 5 is enough”_ **

“You could roll out of bed and still look amazing anyway”. 

Imagine that.


	2. Chapter 2

The bed continues to try and lure me back in as I begin to get ready. 

First things first, I put on my binder.

I’ve been binding for nearly 5 years now. Even before I started living my life outwardly as Andrew, I’ve been binding. It started off as just wearing sports bras because I thought it looked better. Then I would wear 3 of them at a time because they made me “look like a boy”. Then I went into ace bandages. I know it’s not healthy to use them, but at the time I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t really understand why I was doing it either. All I knew was that I liked when people thought I was a boy.

I throw on a shirt and a hoodie. It’s 80 something degrees out but I need to have something covering my chest, at least until I can curl up small at Shane’s. 

I like to sit in this way while editing that makes it so you can’t see the front of my body. I pull the throw blanket Shane keeps in our editing space up around my neck and back, allowing it to fall loosely over my chest. Then, I have my knee up and pressed against me. It helps keep me covered and lets me feel safe enough to take off my hoodie.

I waddle into the bathroom and brush my teeth, avoiding the mirror.

I guess it’s kind of sad that I’m only starting to get dressed for today now. It’s already 4pm.

I sit back down to pull on my joggers. They’re the only pants I’ve found that can hide the fact that I don’t have any sort of bulge.

I’ve tried using a packer before, but I feel like they make me look hard or like I have shoved something in my pants (which… I guess that really is what packing is) so I just wear these pants instead.

I’m not really complaining though, they’re comfortable.

As I begin putting on my shoes, Garrett texts me.

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“You’ll never guess who’s out front ;-D”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“Hmm…..Who could it be???”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“:-) look out your window”_ **

I open the blinds and, surprise surprise, it’s Garrett, waving to me from his car.

I giggle and wave back.

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“It was me!”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“Damn! It’s the one and only Garrett Watts sitting outside my window! Should I come get an autograph?”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“It's not an autograph, but I have your chai. It’s still hot but I would hurry before it gets too cold!”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“I'll be right down”_ **

I pull on my other shoe, grab my bag, and begin to leave. 

As I’m walking out the door I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I think I look ok for once. No curves, no lumps, just straight up and down.

I smile at myself, trying to take in the fact that I look ok. It’s been a solid minute before I remember that I was in the middle of leaving so I finally make my way out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

“Andrew!” Garrett giggles as I slide into his car.

“Garrett!” I say back, mimicking his tone.

Garrett quickly smiles at me before moving his hand to the cup holder. He grabs my chai and hands it to me.

“I hope it’s still warm.”

“It should be, but who knows. You take a long time to get read,” Garrett jokes, turning to face the road before turning his car back on.

“What can I say,” I giggle, “I have to look nice in case I run into any cute boys.”

Garrett laughs and his cheeks flash pink before he starts driving. It’s so strange to me how close we’ve gotten. I’ve known Garrett for… 2 years now I believe, which is kind of crazy to me. Part of me feels like I’ve known him my whole life and part of me still feels that weird surge of excitement and joy you feel when you meet someone amazing for the first time. You would think the “novelty” would have worn off but I guess it hasn’t. And I don’t think I mind the feeling. It makes me feel comfortable and safe.

“What are you guys working on today?” Garrett asks, snapping me back into reality.

“Editing.”

“I know you’re editing, dummy!” Garrett laughs, glancing over at me, “I mean  _ what _ are you editing?”

My cheeks heat up a little, realizing that I don’t really have any idea of what I’m editing right now. “It’s a surprise. I don’t know if Shane wants me to share it yet.”

“Hmm...ok. Can I at least try and guess though?”

“Sure.”

Garrett starts listing off wild ideas for a Shane series. ‘ A series about a family of ghost children who want to start a YouTube channel’ ‘A series about a worm who got cancelled for eating unnatural soil’ ‘A series where Shane just sits and stares at the camera for 10 hours’.

“Now that would be fun to edit.”

“I know, what would you guys even edit? Would you make it super fun and add a bunch of random stuff into the video? Or would you do something where there’s no editing and it’s just raw footage of Shane staring blankly into the void?”

I laugh full heartedly. It’s not even that funny but for some reason, the way he delivers it kills me.

Garrett gasps, “Oh my gosh! I know what the next series should be!”

I look at him, and he glances at me, a huge smile plastered across his face.

“You guys should make a series about you, Andrew!” 

My cheeks go red and I shift in my seat. “Ah, I don’t know about that… there’s not much to me.”

“Andrewwww,” Garrett whines, extending the “ewww’ at the end, “ You’re super interesting! I love talking to you and learning things about you. And I’m sure that Shane’s audience does too! There’s nothing not to like about you!”

All I can do is say, “I’ll think about it.” Yes, I’ll be thinking about it. Not in a ‘I’ll actually consider talking to Shane about making this a series’ way. In an ‘ew no one would want that. And there’s so much I wouldn’t be able to share’ type of way.

I think Garrett notices I’m uncomfortable because he changes the subject,

“I got this  **great** smoothie at Starbucks today oh my God.”

He continues talking on and off for the rest of the ride, not expecting or pushing for replies from me. He knows I’m feeling uneasy.

See, that’s just another thing I love about Garrett. He doesn’t push me for too much. He can understand when to back off and let me breathe. 

He also has learned over time that I love just listening to him talk. We at one point had a serious discussion about him possibly recording audio books for me because his voice makes me feel safe (I said if we ever went through with it that I’d pay him, but he obviously refused money because he’s great).

Now, he just sends me sweet voice texts whenever I tell him I feel lonely. I save all of them on a hard drive that I keep in my room. Sometimes I’ll just lay awake for hours, listening to previous voice clips because I feel so lonely. Sometimes I imagine myself being him. I imagine being built like him and I imagine being the one who sends people voice memos. And then sometimes I imagine him laying with me, holding me and talking to me as I fall asleep. I know that sounds weird but I just mean it in a way of him feeling comforting. I feel like he’s the only person who can pull me out of my own head.

Speaking of being in my own head, Garrett taps my shoulder.

“We’re here. Can you carry a bag in? Sorry to make you, but Shane, Ryland, and Morgan wanted me to bring food for all of us.”

I smile and nod as I grab a bag of take out from the back seat of Garrett’s car, following Garrett up to the doorstep. 

He really  _ does _ feel like home.


	4. Chapter 4

“Andrew! Garrett!” Morgan laugh-yells coming to greet us at the door.

I give her a weird sort of side hug before walking over to the kitchen island to put down the bag of food I carried in. Garrett follows soon after, following what I’ve done.

“How have you both been? I feel like it’s been forever!”

“Morgan, I was here like… 2 days ago helping Shane edit,” I say, walking back toward the mini-bar before taking a seat on the barstool. Garrett comes and takes a seat next to me.

“I know but I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve really  _ seen _ you, you know? Whenever you’re here you’re bottled up in you and Shane’s editing room. I really enjoy seeing you as friends rather than coworkers,” Morgan replies. She’s already searching through the bags of food.

I begin to reply, but Shane and Ryland walk in as I start talking and greet us.

“Hi g- oooh Garrett! Is that the food?” Ryland exclaims, jogging over to the island next to Morgan.

“It sure is. What can I say, I’m the best Uber Eats driver ever,” Garrett beams.

Shane walks over and gives Garrett and I brief hugs before also making his way toward the food.

“Have you told Garrett what we’re working on yet?” Shane asks while sifting through the bag looking for his order.

“What? No! Andrew said it was a surprise!” 

Shane looks at me, “What? Why’d you say that?”

My heart kind of sinks in my chest. Why did I think this wouldn’t be brought up?

I clear my throat and say, “I don’t know… thought it might be fun to try and let him guess what it’s about.”

Shane briefly squints his eyes at me before simply saying “Huh” and returning back to his food.

Morgan laughs, nearly dropping the fries she’s eating, “Andrew… I love you but that’s lame as hell.”

I blush.

Before I get the chance to speak, I hear Garrett giggle before he says, “Noooo! It sounds fun! I like guessing games, Morgan. It’s like a mystery.”

I feel myself exhale, not realizing that I was holding my breath the entire time.

I sit uncomfortably looking at the floor, wishing I hadn’t come today and wishing that I hadn’t lied when Ryland pipes up.

“Andrew, aren’t you going to eat?”

“Yea, I just need the bathroom first,” I sigh, making my way to the bathroom.

Once inside, I sit on the floor and slide my hands under my binder and over my chest, pulling the tight fabric away from my skin. That whole situation really spiked my anxiety. And anxiety means it’s hard to breathe, and then binding means it’s even  _ harder _ to breathe. 

I sit and stare at the wall. I should really just tell them about what’s going on with me. I should tell them everything. About how I’m trans, about how I have felt extremely depressed and unfocused lately, about how I’ve been feeling like I don’t have a place in the world, about how I don’t really understand how I feel about Garrett, about everything.

I stand back up, pulling my hands out from under my binder, allowing it to make me look normal again.

I quickly flush the toilet so that it sounds like I was actually using the bathroom, wash my hands, and head back to the group.

They’ve all settled on the couch, watching some random movie that Ryland picked out on Netflix. 

“Shane, don’t we need to edit?” I say grabbing my food off the counter before taking a seat on the far end of the couch next to Garrett.

I’m sitting on the outside of the sofa. Garrett saved the seat for me because he knows I don’t like sitting in between people.

“We will, but I think it’s important for us all to relax a bit before we do,” Shane says, turning to me with a gentle smile as he takes a sip of his drink.

I settle back into the sofa, trying to focus on the movie when my phone buzzes.

  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to update yesterday so I’m posting this chapter early as an apology :,-)

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Are you doing ok, A?”_ **

I look over at Garrett, who quickly looks at me with a sad smile before returning his attention to the movie.

**_Me:_ **

**_“Why do you ask?”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“You just have seemed like you’ve been on edge. I know that you must be stressed with all the editing work you’re doing with Shane”_ **

I silently suck my teeth. I just… really want to tell him about everything. But I can’t bring myself to.

**_Me:_ **

**_“Yea… it’s been a lot of work. But idk… I’ll get through it”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“I’ll always be here to help you, you know”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“I know”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Can I take you out for lunch tomorrow? You can take the day off and we can just hang out. No stress about the series, no stress about work. Just us and some ice cream :-)”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“Yea :,-) that actually sounds really nice”_ **

I smile and finally settle in my seat before realizing that in order for me to hang out with Garrett tomorrow, I’ll need to talk to Shane.

I turn to Shane and whisper, “Shane ca-“

Shane shushes me while gesturing at the tv before standing up, motioning me to follow him.

I glance at Garrett who’s watching me leave. He quickly touches my hand as I stand as a way to send some sort of silent reassurance. It makes me blush.

Shane and I reach the guest bedroom.

“Shane, can I have the d-“

“Yes.”

I freeze, “What?”

Shane looks at me, “Yes, you can have the day off tomorrow”

“How did you know I was gonna ask that?” I say, rubbing my fingers of my right hand together as some sort of self-soothing type of thing.

“Andrew, listen,” Shane says, sitting on the guest bed, “You seem… off. And I kind of expected that you were gonna ask me for a break.”

“Oh,” I half-say half-whisper as I sit in the chair opposite the bed. 

“Shane I...” I begin. I just need to tell him. I need to tell  _ someone _ ! “Shane… I am just.. I’m just.. I- it’s just re- everything’s just really hard right now,” I choke out. Why am I crying? Why is this so damn hard for me!

Shane sits silently, waiting for me to continue.

“There’s just… so much that I hav- I can’t share because it’s bad- or it’s not all bad but I don’t like it and I just don’t know what to do.”

“Start small,” Shane says quietly, “Tell me one of the smaller things.”

I breathe in and think. 

“I… well... fuck man I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“I’m not going to be mad at you Andrew. Just tell me.”

“Shane I do… I don’t even know what the hell we’re editing right now!” I blurt out, throwing my hand on the back of my neck, squeezing tight to try and ground myself.

Shane’s silent for a second before saying, “That’s ok. I kind of assumed that but didn’t want to ask because I thought it might be weird.”

I look up, my eyes stinging from crying.

“I just… I feel like there’s just so much going on in my head, you know? I can’t keep any of it straight anymore. Everything just feels the same. Everyday, just a repeat of the last.”

God… it feels so good to get this out.

“I know how it feels,” Shane begins, “Life is hard, especially if you have a lot going on. Your brain just tries to numb itself to it all but instead of helping it just leaves you feeling hollow. YouTube can be really overwhelming at times. I hope I haven’t been putting too much pressure on you, And-“

“It’s not just YouTube though,” I cry, leaning my head into my arms, “It’s… I don’t… Shane I’m scared you’ll hate me. I’m scared all of you will hate me. I’m… I’m just so scared to tell you guys about this… thing… that’s weighing on me.”

Shane scoots over on the bed so that he’s now directly across from me.

“Andrew listen,” Shane begins, “no one’s going to hate you. We’re here for you. And we hate seeing you like this. Please Andrew, I know you’ll feel better if you let us help you. But we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.”

I look up from my hands, then down to the floor.

“Hey are you gu- woah holy shit, Andrew are you ok?” Morgan says.

I look up and she’s speed walking toward me.

“Morgan wh- what are you doing here?” I say shifting backwards in my seat.

“You guys have been gone for a bit. We were worried so I said I would come and check in. What’s wrong?”

“Morgan… we’ll explain later but Andrew’s having a hard time. Can you just give us like 5 more minutes?”

“Of course! Yeah, shit, sorry for just barging in, I’ll go back to-“

“No, you can stay.”

Shane and Morgan both look at me.

“Andrew.. are you sure? I don’t want to bother you,” Morgan says, standing near the door.

“I’m sure. But can you close the door? I need to tell you both something.”

Shane and Morgan exchange looks before Morgan closes the door and takes a seat in the chair next to me.

“What’s up?” She says, turning to me.

“Well… I… fuck sorry… it’s just hard to say.”

“Take your time,” Says Shane.

I take a deep breath.

This is it.

I haven’t told anyone about this in almost 5 years now.

“Guys… I- I’m uhh…” I look down.

“I’m transgender.”

The room sits stiff and silent. No one wants to say anything. There’s a solid few seconds of nothing before Morgan pipes up.

“So… you’re becoming a woman?”

I look up from the ground and at her, I can’t help from letting out a struggled laugh.

“What?”

She gives me a weird look, “So you’re becoming a woman?” She repeats again, “You said you were transgender-“

“Oh…” I say, “No.”

“What do you mean then?”

“I mean… I’ve been transgender… this whole time. I was born as a girl.”

Shane can help but stand and exclaim, “What?!”

“Shit Shane I’m sorry I should have told you sooner I-“

“Andrew!” Shane laughs, “I’m not mad at you! I’m just surprised!”

I blush, “You guys are ok with it?”

Morgan leans across her seat and hugs me, “Of course! Jesus Andrew with the way you set that all up I thought you’d killed somebody!”

I laugh. Not a shy, sad laugh. It’s a full, belly tightening laugh.

“Holy shit,” I say after calming down, “Holy shit holy shit holy shit I can’t believe I finally told you!”

Shane pulls me in for a hug. He then sits on the bed, still looking happy but a bit more serious.

“Can I ask how far along you are in your transition? If you don’t want to answer that’s totally ok I just want to know so that I can figure out how to best support you.”

“Yea. So, yea. So I’m admittedly not very far along. I’ve been on hormones for… I think 3 years now? But I haven’t had any uhh..” I look down blushing while instinctively putting my arms across my chest, “I haven’t had any actual surgeries yet.”

Shane and Morgan sit in silence for a minute, taking in all of what I said before Morgan chimes,

“Oh! So is that why you never come in the pool?”

My face must be bright red at this point. She’s not wrong but I never thought anyone noticed.

“Haha yea… yea.”

Shane fixes the awkwardness.

“Well… Andrew? I love you, man. Nothing about this changes anything, ok? Me, Morgan and-“

Shane pauses.

“-Are you going to tell Ryland and Garrett?”

Oh shit.

“Oh… yea I guess. But… shit I hope this doesn’t sound rude but could you tell Ryland for me? I just… I don’t know, I feel a bit weird telling him about that. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t feel like we’re close enough, you know?”

Shane thinks for a second before saying, “Sure. What about Garrett though?”

“Weirdly enough, Garrett’s the one I’m most nervous to tell. I don’t think he’ll be mad at me for it but I just… don’t want him to think differently. He really means the world to me, you know? I can tell him myself… I think it’s only fair. I’m just worried he’ll subconsciously stop liking me. I know he isn’t against it or anything but what if he doesn’t like that I’m… you know,” I ramble.

They let me continue on.

‘‘He’s the most important person in my life. Garrett’s gotten me through so much awful awful shit, I can’t imagine a world without him,” I continue talking, essentially only to myself, going off about all the weird things I’ve been feeling about him without realizing it, “I just need him in my life. I’m so afraid of him getting up and leaving. I just… he feels so important to me. It’s a strange feeling, I don’t even really know what you’d call it. I never know if I wish I was him or if I wish I was closer to him. Like really close. I just want him to know me and I want to know him. I want to be able to just lay with him and talk and-“

“Andrew?” Morgan says, putting a hand on my back.

“Yes?”

“Man, I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. If you want to be in a relationship with Garrett you should go for it. But tell him about who you are first. I think it’ll help you feel a bit more comfortable.”

I blink twice, confused, “What do you mean by ‘relationship’?”

Morgan tilts her head, “Oh shit… sorry for assuming. Sorry, it’s just the way you were talking about it made it seem like... you know,” She says. I can tell she’s trying to be careful with what she says. “You sounded in love if I’m being completely real with you.”

My face burns, “Oh no.. I mean… I don’t think so. Or… well I don’t know. Feelings are confusing,” I sputter, “Did I really sound like I’m in love?”

Shane responds, “To be honest? Yeah.”

“Huh…”

Morgan stands, gives me a tight hug, then walks toward the door, “Love you, Andrew. And I’m super proud of you. I’ll tell the others you had a headache and needed a break. Text me if you need anything.”

Morgan walks out the door. I stare at the empty space of where she just was, confused.

Shane speaks, “Andrew. There’s no pressure for you to tell anyone anything or for you to figure out anything. But just know I’m here, and Morgan’s here if you need something, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Let me know if you need help telling people.”

“Can you talk to Ryland about it?”

“When?”

“Tonight?”

Shane smiles, “Sure.”

Shane stands and stretches before padding over to the door.

“Let me know if you need anything. And I can let you know when everyone else has left if you want. Maybe you’re different but I know personally I hate when people see me after I’ve been emotional.”

“Will you please?”

“Of course.”

And with that, Shane leaves, closing the door behind him.

I get up and lay on the now empty bed and stare at the ceiling. I don’t really know how I feel. It’s a weird mixture of numb and overly emotional. This was all a lot for me tonight. Everything feels weird and new. But it also feels the same. And I don’t know if I like that or not.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling when my phone buzzes.

It’s a voice message from Garrett.

**“Andrew! I had to go because I have to film something. I didn’t realize that we had already been at Shane and Ryland’s for 4 hours til Morgan came out and said your head was hurting. She told me it was already nearly 8!!!! Not sure how that happened. I hope your head feels better. I was going to come in and say bye, but Shane said you were sleeping so I didn’t want to bother you. Let me know if you need me to bring you anything. And don’t worry about tomorrow, if you’re not feeling well we don’t need to see each other. Hope you’re sleeping well!”**

I want to send a voice clip back, but my throat feels scratchy from crying earlier so I settle on a text.

**_Me:_ **

**_“ <3 I’m ok. I just woke up and thankfully my head feels a bit better. I’m still on for tomorrow :-D Can I meet you at yours around 2?”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Sounds good :-)”_ **

**_Me:_ **

**_“I think I’m gonna try and go back to sleep, in case I don’t text you again tonight, good night, Garrett. Love you x”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Sweet dreams! And love you too of course! X”_ **

I grin as I put my phone down next to me.

I text Shane to let him know I’m staying the night. I stay a lot so he doesn’t mind. He also apologizes for forgetting to tell me that Garrett and Morgan had left, but I tell him it’s fine since Garrett texted me right after he left anyway.

I take my binder and pants off but put my hoodie back on, leaving me in just my sweatshirt and boxers. 

It’s only 8:30 now but I’m exhausted.

I lay under the covers and replay Garrett's voice message before re-reading our texts.

“Love you too of course! X”

Goddamn… everything is so confusing.


	6. Chapter 6

_ “Why?” He spits. _

_ “I don’t know! I’m so sorry I don’t kno-“ _

_ “Stop!” _

_ I freeze. I begin to talk again, to fix everything. But no words come out. I’m trying to talk and explain everything but he’s crying. He won’t hear me. He’s done with me. _

_ “You’re fucking gross, you know that , right, Andrew?” _

_ I hang my head in shame and cry but again no tears come out. _

_ I turn to the side. There’s a mirror. I look like my old self. I’m not Andrew anymore. My expression looks blank. But It doesn’t feel blank. I put my hands to my face and it feels normal. I can feel my stubble and the tears , but I can’t see it. I reach out to punch the mirror to kill off the image. But it doesn’t break. It’s like punching stone. The girl in the mirror- the old me- continues to stare at me, deadly. _

_ “You’re a girl! Andrew! You fucking liar.” _

_ I yell his name but it doesn’t come out. _

_ “I don’t know why you thought that even for a second that I actually would be ok with that.” _

_ “You think I could be friends with, let alone love someone like you?” _

_ “Obviously not.” _

_ He turns and begins to walk away. My screams tear at my throat. I can feel them but no sound comes out no matter how hard I try. My chest tightens and I reach down. My binder’s gone. _

_ As he walks away, he turns with an expression that I’ve never seen. One of absolute hatred and disappointment, but also sadness. _

_ “I will never love you. No one does or ever will.” _

I wake up, a pool of sweat surrounding me. The blankets have found their way to the floor.

I look around. I’m at Shane’s. I’m… still here.

It didn’t happen. I hope.

I scramble to reach my phone. There’s one text.

It’s from him.

My heart pounds in my ears. 

Hands trembling, I unlock my phone and begin to read.

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Andrew! I know it’s early and you’re probably not up yet but I just wanted to let you know I’m excited for today!!!!! I feel like we never get to hang out anymore. Anyways, I hope you were able to sleep well. Sweet dreams? I dreamt about Glorna and Benjamin. They had a talk show together. Haha it was weird. I can’t wait to see you today! Should we get ice cream? I know it’s only 6am but I’m already craving some soft serve. Sorry for sending an essay… guess I’m just excited! :-DDD”_ **

I let out a shaky sigh, turning my phone over before covering my face.

I want to cry, but I instead hold it back. I just want today to go well. Garrett would never be mean to me. He cares about me. He… really does.

I begin typing,

**_Me:_ **

**_“:-) sleep was ok! I’m excited to see you too! We could go to Trip Lick if you want. They’ve got some gooooood ass ice cream. I’ll be at yours at 2 if that’s still ok?”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Wow that was a quick reply for Morning Andrew. It’s only 8am! I should bring you an award. Lol. Yes that still works! You could also stop by earlier if you want, just lemme know ;-P”_ **

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“ALSO!! YES I LOVE TRIP LICK!!!!”_ **

I smile but I don’t know how I feel.

I’m so glad that… whatever happened… wasn’t real. But it keeps happening. I keep having these goddamn nightmares. I’m so tired. 

It used to be a case of it just happening maybe once a month but it’s been almost every night this week.

I want to sleep more but I’m scared it’ll happen again so I get up.

Stretching, I roll out of bed. I’m sure that Ryland’s awake by now. But judging the volume of the house, I’m sure Shane and Morgan are still asleep.

It all hits me. What happened last night.

I tense up. I can’t believe I told them. Holy shit… fuck. I shouldn’t have done that.

No, no. It’s good. They’re my friends. They deserve to know. And I deserve to be open.

I take off my hoodie and shirt, put my binder on, then immediately put my shirt and hoodie back on. I then put on yesterday's pants.

I sigh as I walk into the kitchen. I slept a lot but I still feel so drained. In every way.

As expected, Ryland sits in the kitchen.

“Morning,” I say, walking to the fridge to grab a La Croix.

“How’d you sleep?” Ryland says, turning around to face me.

I look up at him. He wears a weird expression. Nothing bad, just.. I guess anxious? Which is a look I don’t think I’ve ever seen on Ryland.

“Fine.”

I continue to stand at the fridge and Ryland continues to look at me.

“I’m proud of you, Andrew.”

I tense and I can feel my face go pale. I forgot I asked Shane to tell him about everything.

“Thank you,” I offer a smile but he can read right through it.

“I’ve obviously never had to experience what you had to- or I guess are going through,” he begins, “but I’m seriously proud of you, Andrew. I can only imagine how hard that must be. Especially since you’ve had to do this with both your gender and sexuality. You’re really amazing.”

A blush falls on me. It’s weird, I don’t mind people knowing I’m gay when they don’t know I’m also… you know. But when people know about who I am and how I’m built, it feels weird. I feel like they’re just seeing me as… I don’t know. But it’s the reason I’ve had a boyfriend.

“Thanks. Yeah, it’s definitely been a lot.”

We sit quietly. It’s less uncomfortable but I still feel uneasy.

“What are you up to today?” Ryland asks.

“I’m going with Garrett for ice cream. I should honestly probably head over to his soon,” that’s a lie. Yeah, Garrett said I could come early but Jesus it’s only 8:30am. 

“How are you getting there? Didn’t Garrett drive you here?”

Oh shit, he’s right. Garrett always drives me places. I don’t know how that slipped my mind.

“Oh yeah.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure Shane could take you. I would but I need to leave in a few. I have a workout scheduled.”

“Ok. That sounds good,” I smile at Ryland, “Thanks.”

Ryland smiles back before walking back to his room to get ready for his work out.

I just stand at the fridge, an unopened La Croix in my hand.

I crack it open and take a sip.

I don’t even like La Croix.


	7. Chapter 7

“I don’t want to put pressure on you, Andrew, but I think coming out to Garrett might be your best move.”

I buckle in my seat belt, melting into the seat.

“I know Shane, it’s just,” My mouth goes dry as I rack my brain for the right words, “It’s difficult for me. I mean, telling you and Morgan was hard enough but it’s different with Garrett.”

“In what way?”

I turn to the window to hide the red that spreads across my face. What is different? Why is this even harder for me? Yeah, I’ve known Garrett the longest but it shouldn’t be this hard.

“I don’t know.”

We sit there in silence as we drive to Garretts. I know there’s something that Shane wants to say, but he stays quiet.

Finally, we’re in Garrett’s drive-way.

As I unbuckle my seat belt, Shane speaks.

“Andrew. I don’t want to push you into anything you’re uncomfortable with but if you and Garrett are going to… become closer than you are now, I think it’s only fair he knows.”

I freeze.

“What do you mean by ‘closer’?”

Shane lets out a huff. He turns so he’s looking me directly in the eyes.

“I mean exactly what I said. If you and Garrett become more than friends then he deserves to know. If you’re not comfortable opening up yet that’s totally fine and I would never want to put you into a situation where you feel you’re being forced to come out. But… if you guys end dating then he deserves to know.”

“W-what?” I stumble. My face and ears burning, “We’re not- I’m not- I mean… it’s not like that.”

“Do you want it to be like that?”

I look at my feet.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly, “I mean… yes. I think? But… I don’t know. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never fallen in love… I don’t think. I don’t know what that feels or looks like.”

“Well, I mean, again I don’t want to push anything onto you that you aren’t comfortable with but you both seem like you may be… in love. Or at least getting to that stage.”

“I’ll… I’m going to come out to him tonight but I don’t know if I’m really ready to figure the rest of that all out.”

Shane offers a smile.

“I’m proud of you. No rush to figure anything out. Now, go have fun. You deserve it!”

I give back a small to Shane and climb out of the car. While pulling away he gives me a quick wave. As I walk up to Garrett’s door, my hands shake. I can’t do this. This is too much. Fuck. I need to go.

I turn back to ask Shane to drive me home but he’s already gone. Oh my god. Fuck. I can’t do this. 

I start running down the driveway, trying to keep myself from vocally sobbing. I reach the end when I hear Garrett.

“Hi Andrew! You’re early!”

I rub my fingers together, and without turning around I text him.

**_Me:_ **

**_“Garrett I,m sorry I cabt do this today i cantj theres too much going on i need a second pleas e I’m sorry I’m sorry i just please hold on”_ **

I can hear Garrett walking towards me. My hands shake as I look down to read what he’s texted me.

**_Garrett:_ **

**_“Can I give you a hug?”_ **

I nod my head, still facing the street. I’m not sure Garrett even sees it. Well, that is until I feel a pair of arms wrap around me. A head rested gently on mine.

That’s when everything I was trying to hold in tears its way out.

I’m bawling my eyes out, barely able to catch my breath. Tears and snot pouring down my face. God I must look so disgusting.

“Can you turn around for me, please, Andrew?”

Shaking and sobbing, I turn towards Garrett while he’s still holding me tightly.

“What’s wrong, A?” 

I open my mouth to say something but all tat comes out is a whimper followed by a sob. He pulls me in closer.

I wrap my arms around him and cry into his shirt. I’m sure I’ve soaked it in tears and snot, and surely Garrett’s noticed that too, but he hasn’t said anything.

“You don’t have to tell me anything right now. Or even ever, if you don’t want. But I’ll always be here for you, Andrew. I will always love you. We all do.”

Garrett and I stand in the drive-way for another 20 minutes until I’ve calmed down enough to walk into his house. He holds my waist as we walk.

As we go inside and take a seat on his couch all I can choke out is a “Thank you” before crying again. 

I don’t know where all of these tears are coming from. I knew this would be difficult for me but damn… this is a lot. 

God, I hate crying. It makes me feel like such a girl. I know everyone cries but there’s still a part of me that hates when I do it.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Garrett coos as he rubs my arm, “I care about you, Andrew. I’ll always be here for you.”

I look up at him.

“Always?”

A smile settles on his face, “Of course. Always.”

I take a deep breath.

“Garrett.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m trans.”

  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for not uploading again yesterday. If im honest, my mental health has been kinda poor that past week. My dysphoria has been real bad. bc of quarantine, I’m home all the time. Which means I’m constantly around my family. I’m not out as trans at home so I’m deadnamed/misgendered all day everyday. And i cant even wear my binder because i have enough of a chest naturally that my family notices when i bind and gets confused (my dad gets mad at me for wearing “such tight sports bras” bc they make me look like a boy (Which is, to me, obviously a good thing generally lol but it’s not good when it’s coming as an insult)) anyways, I’m posting another chapter right after this bc i forgot to post yesterday and this chapter is pretty short. Next chapter though!!!!! Oh my!!! It’s very sweet, so be ready

“Huh?”

I sigh, turning partially away from Garrett.

“I’m… trans. I have been this whole time. I wasn’t born as Andrew.”

I feel myself sinking into the sofa as Garrett looks at me.

Suddenly, I feel Garrett pull me in for a hug.

“Oh Andrew,” he begins, “I’m so proud of you! I love you so much, man.”

I feel myself getting emotional again. But I know if I start crying again I wont be able to stop.

I sigh into his shoulder. I feel like I can breathe again.

We sit there, my head settled into Garrett’s chest and his head resting on my shoulder. I don’t know how long it lasts. On one hand, it feels like forever but on another, it ends way too soon.

Garrett pulls back, grinning widely.

“How’d you pick your name?”

I tilt my head, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Your name. Andrew. How’d you pick it?”

“Ohh,” I say, scratching the back of my neck, “I don’t really know. It just felt right I guess.”

“Well… it’s a good name for you. I think it really suits you well.”

“Really?” I grin.

“Yes! I love your name! Andrew Andrew Andrew. Very cute… very you.”

My cheeks heat up. It was such a weird compliment but something about it… I know I’ll never forget it.

“Thank you, I’m glad you like it.”

Garrett stands and stretches. He looks down at me.

“Are you still down for ice cream? Or would you rather stay here?”

“Ice cream,” I say.

“Awesome! Ok, I just need the bathroom and then we can go. Does that sound good?”

I smile and give him two thumbs up.

As he walks away, I can’t help but laugh to myself. Jesus Christ. I was so worried over nothing! Of course Garrett doesn’t mind! He’s the sweetest and most understanding person to have ever existed. Maybe that sounds like an exaggeration but to me it isn’t.

He really is just such a truly good person. He didn’t ask me anything invasive. As much as I love Morgan, her questions/remarks made me a bit uncomfortable. I know she was just curious but still. Hearing questions like that make me worry a bit. I don’t want the people in my life to see me differently just because of this. I’m still Andrew.

I stand up and turn to the mirror. My face is still red and splotchy from crying but I’m smiling. And I’m  _ really _ smiling. There’s no sadness or anxiety hidden within it. Just pure, real happiness. 

“Ready to go?” Garrett says walking out of the bathroom, drying his hands off on his pants.

I glance back into the mirror, grinning once more before turning to face him.

“Yeah.”


	9. Chapter 9

Frank Ocean’s “Ivy” plays as we drive. Garrett sings along happily, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

I watch the city pass by through the window. I wonder what it would be like to live here. We’re only 5 minutes away from Garrett’s. Garrett’s house, to me, really feels like home. It just seems comfortable and relaxed and like there’s no pre-existing expectations for me. Like I’m just allowed to exist there.

Imagine if I lived with Garrett? I think it would be great. He doesn’t have a spare room though, so that would mean that I would either have to sleep on a couch every night or that we would have to share a bed. I don’t think I would mind that… sharing a bed. He offers to let me share the bed every time I stay over, but since I sleep without a binder I’ve always been too afraid to. Maybe now it can be different though. Maybe we could share a bed. I wouldn’t mind. I think I would actually enjoy it if I’m honest. Just being totally vulnerable and comfortable around him. Perhaps he could hold me like he does when I cry, but it wouldn’t be something sad. It would just be because it’s comfortable. His hands would travel along my back absentmindedly. And we could fall asleep like that, my face resting on his bare chest, feeling his breathing slow as he falls fully asleep. And then when we wake up in the morning, the sun would calmly fill the room, enough to light everything up, but not enough to bother. And he would smile sleepily at me and say, ‘Good morning’ then I would look at him and say ‘Good morning” back. He would squeeze me tighter, hands once again trailing my back. And then he would lean in a-

“We’re here!” Garrett exclaims, snapping me out of my daydream.

I feel my face go red. Maybe I can go back to this imaginary life later.

We get out of the car and stretch before we begin to make our way over to Trip Licks. 

Once inside, Garrett looks at me with wide, child-like eyes.

“I’ve been wanting to get ice cream for a while,” Garrett says looking around the shop before looking to me again, “Thank you again for coming with me, Andrew.”

“Of course! I’m excited to see you, Garrett. And I’m excited to finally get to hang out with you one on one again.”

“Aww Andrewwww you’re too sweet,” Garrett gushes, turning away.

I grin like an idiot. He’s just… gosh, do I even need to say?

“What flavor are you thinking?” Garrett asks as we get in line. His eyes quickly dart to me as he asks before they return to the menu that’s written above the counter.

“Hmm… I don’t know,” I say, “I usually get something with fruit in it… so probably strawberry? Or maybe a lemon sorbet or something.”

“Oooh good choices,” Garrett says, “I’m probably going to do something similar. I think a sorbet sounds good. You said you were thinking of getting lemon?”

“Yeah.”

“That sounds good! Usually when I get sorbet I get peach, but I’m definitely curious about the lemon one.”

“I’ve never had the peach sorbet! I didn’t even know that they had it!”

“Yeah! It’s great! I can give you a taste of mine when I get it!”

I go to talk, to ramble some sort of ‘thank you’ but decide to stop talking. Why does this feel so awkward? I mean… well… I guess that sharing ice cream  _ is _ kind of a… I don’t know… a couple-y thing to do.

“Next!”

Garrett and I make our way up to the counter.

“Hi! I was wondering if I could get a… peach sorbet in a cup?”

“What size?”

Garrett glances at me, “Medium.”

“And for you?”

“Oh yeah umm… could I get a small lemon sorbet in a cup?”

“Ok. So one medium peach and one small lemon?”

I look over at Garrett who I notice has been looking at me the whole time, “Actually,” I say, “could I get mine in a medium cup?”

“Sure! Ok, is that all?”

“Yeah,” Garrett and I say in unison before giggling.

“Ok so your total is,” she taps on her screen, “$10.12”

Garrett pulls out his wallet and, before I can protest, pays the cashier, giving a $5 tip.

“Ice cream will be given at the next counter. Have a good day!”

We walk over to the next counter. As Garrett puts his card away, I jokingly shove him.

“Garrett! I could have paid for mine! I feel bad!”

“Don’t feel bad, A. It was only like… $5. Plus, I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

Garrett and I look at each other and for a second, it feels like we’re the only people who exist.

“Thanks.”

“Lemon and peach?” A man from behind the counter shouts. We turn and grab our cups, our hands brushing in the process.

We take a seat outside. It’s absolutely beautiful out. But here I am… in a thick sweatshirt.

I feel myself heating up as the sun settles on the two of us. Garrett notices.

“Are you hot?”

“Yeah but… it’s ok. I would rather not take off my sweatshirt because… well… you can probably guess.”

Garrett looks puzzled for a second before it clicks.

“Ooh. Would you rather eat inside then? I don’t want you to over heat.”

“No no it’s ok… I like being outside. It’s just hot with this on.”

We both sit quietly for a minute, not sure what to do next. Then Garrett speaks up.

“What’s if I give you the coat that I have on? It’s really thin and I only wear it to cover my arms.”

“Oh no Garrett I don’t want to take your jacket.”

By this point, Garrett has already taken off his green jacket and is passing it to me.

“Seriously, Andrew, I don’t mind.”

I feel myself blush. I feel bad taking it but I know he won't stop until I’ve put it on. He is right that it’ll be more comfortable but I don’t know… I don’t want to bother him.

“Thank you,” I say, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom to take my hoodie off, ok? I’ll be right out.”

“Sounds good!”

I stand up and walk back inside then make my way to the bathroom. I hate public restrooms. I can’t use a urinal for obvious reasons and so being in one makes me aware of how differently I’m built.

Thankfully, today the bathroom is empty, so I make my way to a stall to change.

First I take off my hoodie. I smooth my hands down my front. I know that I look flat but I still feel weird about not covering up while I’m in public. I pull on Garrett’s jacket and leave the stall. It’s loose on me so it hides everything really well. Thank god.

I make my way back to Garrett, my hoodie in my hands.

“Is that any better?”

“So much better.”

“Good!” Garret exclaims, “It looks good on you!”

I take a bite of my ice cream, “You’re too sweet, Garrett. I swear you’re gonna kill me with all these compliments.”

“What can I say, Andrew? There’s just so much to compliment!”

I chuckle.

“Anyways,” Garrett says, “How’s your ice cream?”

“Amazing. Heavenly. 10 out of 10.”

“Oh wow!” Garrett laughs, “Can I have a taste?”

“Sure,” I say, getting another bite. Garrett grabs some of my sorbet with his spoon.

“Wow! You weren’t kidding!”

“I know! Hey, could I get a bite of yours?”

“Yeah, here,” He says. He scoops some up on his spoon then feeds it to me. It takes a second for me to realize what happened. Garrett doesn’t seem phased and so I act like I’m not, even though I’m internally freaking out over it. In a good way. I try not to get sucked back into my daydream. The sorbet really is amazing though. It’s sweet, but not candy sweet. It really does taste like peach.

“That’s amazing, holy shit.”

Garrett’s blushing at this point, “Hell yeah! Gosh, Andrew, I forgot how much I loved this place. Thank you for suggesting it.”

“Of course! And we should come here more often. I love ice cream, and I love hanging out with you.”

“I love hanging out with you too!”

And with that, we both laugh. Over what? I don’t know. I think we’re both just feeling good. There’s no worries over work or having to hide secrets or anything in life. There’s just Garrett, me, and some sorbet.

As we work on eating our ice creams, both eating each other’s as well as our own, my thoughts begin to drift back to my daydream.

“What are you thinking about?” Garrett asks, holding his spoon in his mouth.

I smile and honestly reply, “Just… about us. And about you.”

Garrett takes his spoon out of his mouth before smiling back. He doesn’t even say anything. He just smiles and blushes before turning back to eat the last bite of his ice cream.

Maybe one day my daydreams won’t just be daydreams anymore.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

“So… are you coming over tonight or should I take you home?”

I blush. If I could live in a perfect world, I would already be living fully with Garrett. But I don’t want to intrude, so I would never ask.

“Yours if that’s ok,” I pause, “I just miss being around you and wanna hang out as much as I can before I have to go back to Shane’s to edit.”

Garrett gives a toothy grin, “Great! I’m glad you’re coming over! I’ve missed you a lot too. I don’t know… it just gets so lonely, you know? Not having anyone around sucks sometimes.”

“Yeah… I get that.”

The conversation ends there as Garrett starts up his car. I glance over at him. He’s texting someone, tilting his phone in a way that I can’t see. Finally, he sets it on his lap and we begin to drive.

“Andrew,” Garrett says. He quickly glances at me, “I just want to say that I’m like… really fucking proud of you. I know I kind of glazed over it all earlier but Jesus Christ I’m so proud of you. And I’ll always be here to help you through it all. I promise.”

My face goes red. Normally something like this would make me uncomfortable because it brings the fact that I’m not cis into the main screen, but the way Garrett says it just feels so honest and sweet. I can’t help but smile.

“Thanks, Gare. You know… I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I guess it was just hard. I was- and still am- very scared that people will see me differently once they know. I was so afraid that you would find it weird or think I’m a liar for not telling you for so long. I don’t know why I thought that, considering you’re literally an angel on earth-“ Why the hell did I say that? Oh my god. I begin to stutter, realizing how weird I must sound, “B-but you know what- uh- what it’s like. To-to have to come out and stuff. But uhh… yeah. Thank you for-for being such a genuinely caring person.”

I see Garrett’s eyes water a little. I’m not sure if it’s from what I said or if it’s from some sort of dust in the air, either way, he blinks it all back.

Garrett speaks through a shy smile, “You’re my best friend, Andrew. I love you so much.”

“And the same to you, Garrett.”

The rest of the car ride is silent but comfortable. We have music playing very softly, I’m not even sure what artist it is. Finally, we arrive at Garrett’s.

As we walk inside, Garrett offers the bed as usual.

“You wanna share the bed?” He asks absentmindedly as he sets down his keys.

I hesitate. I want to say yes. I finally can say yes because there’s no longer a secret there. But maybe the offer is just to be nice. I feel brave today though. I’ve done so much. And if it gets uncomfortable I can just go out to the couch.

“Sure.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you guys be down for me to start writing some gandrew one shots? I would put them into a new story of course, and the uploading wouldn’t be consistent as this. But lemme know what you guys think! ;-D


	11. Chapter 11

“Are you sure, Andrew? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“No I’m sure. I want to at least try if that’s ok.”

“Yeah! Yeah of course it’s cool! Just let me know if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

I smile at him. He scratches his upper arm nervously. Then it hits me: I still have his jacket on.

“Oh shit Garrett I’m sorry! Here let me-“ I take off his jacket and hand it back to him. He blinks at me before looking down and putting it on. I can feel he’s hiding something.

“What’s wrong? Did I stretch it or something?”

“Huh?” Garrett looks at me, “Oh no! It’s nothing bad. Gosh this is gonna sound weird,” He rakes his hand through his hair, “I don’t know, I guess I just got caught off guard by the fact that you’re just in a t-shirt. It’s been like… almost 2 years since I’ve seen you in one I think.”

I look down. Oh yeah.

I don’t know, I guess I forgot I had my hoodie off. I never walk around in just a shirt. Not after I started seeing comments on Instagram asking about my body. Once those started rolling in, I wouldn’t let people see what I looked like without a lump of cloth to hide the parts I don’t like.

“Oh.”

We stand there without saying anything for a minute. We’re staring at each other. I begin to speak.

“I can go put my sweatshirt on. I probably should I mean you probably don’t want to see me-“

“Andrew,” Garrett says, stopping my rambling, “it’s fine, man. I didn’t mean to point it out like that. Was just surprised is all. You don’t have to put your sweater back on. I mean, if you want to I totally understand and I would never want to push you into an uncomfortable situation but I don’t care what you wear, man.”

I stand for a minute just thinking. On one hand, I feel really weird being around Garrett with no sweater on and every part of my brain is screaming for me to cover up. On another hand, it’s just so much more comfortable to not have something covering me. When I’m at home I don’t usually wear a hoodie unless my dysphoria is bad. So why should it be different around Garrett? He has yet to judge me at all. 

“I’m gonna… I’ll stay like this.”

Garrett beams at me.

“You look great in t-shirts, Andrew.”

I look off to the side. “Thanks. Hey… do you think we could watch a movie? You mentioned watching some earlier so if the offer still stands-“

“Yeah! Ok! I’ll set one up. You just get comfortable.”

And that’s exactly what I do. I sit on the couch and curl into the corner with a blanket on me. Gosh, it feels so good to just be able to dress how I want. Not saying hoodies are uncomfortable, but when you wear one all the time it can start feeling really constricting.

Garrett takes a seat next to me.

“Ok so…” he starts, “Are you down to watch theentireHarryPotterseries?”

Garrett speeds the last part out so fast I can’t understand it.

“Watch what? Garrett you poke way too fast.”

Garrett giggles, “I said, are you down to watch the whole Harry Potter series?”

I laugh, “Jesus Christ Garrett, you’re obsessed.”

“Hey! I just know a great series when I see one! And right now,” he gestures in the direction of his Harry Potter DVD’s, “I see one!”

I roll my eyes playfully, “Fine, but I don’t think we’ll be able to get through it all tonight. Could we just watch like… two or three of them?”

Garrett pouts and says with a huff, “Fine. But you have to promise to finish the rest with me soon.”

“Of course. But Jesus did you really think we would be able to get through all of them tonight?” 

Garrett shyly looks down, “I don’t know. Maybe? I mean, they’re pretty great.”

“Garrett, it doesn’t matter how great they are, they’re all like two hours long!” I laugh sitting up so that I’m on a similar level to Garrett.

Garrett lets out a laugh, “I guess you’re right.” He playfully scowls. He doesn’t hold the angry act long though. Soon, he’s giggling away as he puts in the first DVD.

To be honest, I’ve never in my life been interested in Harry Potter. Nothing about wizards or magic ever really excited me. But tonight, it feels different. Maybe the movies are amazing, or maybe it’s the situation. Either way, I’m quickly coming to love Harry Potter.

Somehow, by the end of the third movie, I’m leaning my head against Garrett’s shoulder. I don’t really know how we ended up so close but here we are. At some point, I remember looking up at Garrett and him looking down at me. It felt like magic. Holy shit. It was just a look and a gentle smile but oh my gosh, I wish it never ended.

Garrett yawns, “You ready to sleep?”

I smile and gaze up at him, “It’s only like 9pm! You’re tired already?”

“Today’s been a lot of fun! And I think it’s made me tired. Besides,” Garrett says, standing up and stretching, “You seem pretty tired too.”

I hate the new lack of contact but I don’t mention it. “Am not.” And as if right on cue, I yawn.

“Ok… maybe a little.”

Garrett and I laugh. I stand up and stretch my hands out forward.

“So… are you ready to go to sleep? Or are you still not tired.”

“I’m ready to sleep,” I say.

“Ok then, let’s go get comfy,” Garrett says, walking towards his bedroom. I follow. 

I’m happy to be sharing the bed with him but at the same time, it’s unbelievably nerve- wracking. I don’t feel nervous because it’s Garrett. It’s just that I haven’t shared a bed with someone since I was really little. I would get nightmares and run into my parents room. They’d roll apart and I would curl up in between them and fall back asleep. 

Once in his bedroom, Garrett turns to me.

“If at any point I make you uncomfortable please let me know.”

“Of course.”

“Ok. Before we can go to bed we have to get changed. Do you need clothes?”

“Sure.”

Garrett digs through his drawer before pulling out a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt.

I take the clothes and wander into the bathroom too get dressed. First I change into the pants. They’re a little long because Garrett’s a literal giant, but there’s a drawstring at the waist so they stay up fine. Next I take off my t-shirt and-

Shit. My Binder. I can’t sleep with it on. Or I shouldn’t. I know it’s not healthy but maybe just tonight will be fine.

Without giving it a second though I put the new t-shirt on without taking my binder off. I’ve had it on for 12 hours already. It’s Starting to feel tight and uncomfortable but I’m sure that it’ll be fine for just tonight.

I carry my clothes out of the bathroom and find Garrett sitting in the bed. He’s wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

He looks weirdly good. And I don’t know how I feel about thinking that.

He looks up from his phone with a grin.

“Andrew! Glad the clothes fit.”

“Yeah. Thanks for letting me borrow them.”

“Anytime! Besides, I’m starting to think all my clothes look better on you.”

My face heats up as I take a seat next to him.

I feel so awkward and I don’t know why. This is Garrett. My best friend. Why am I so anxious right now?”

“Which side do you want?”

“Huh?” I say, looking to Garrett. I totally missed what he said.

“Do you have a side you’d rather sleep on?”

“Oh uh no. Anything’s fine.”

“Cool,” Garrett says, slipping under the covers. 

I follow his lead, laying down next to him, facing straight up. As much as I just want to lay on him and hold him, I don’t know how to initiate it. 

Garrett does though.

He turns over to look at me, “We can cuddle or something if you want. But only if you’re comfortable.”

I blush and smile shyly. “Yeah.”

Garrett moves his arm out and I lay with my head in the crook of his neck. He puts his hand on the arm that I was laying onto my arm and rubs circles. 

I swear I could die here.

I’m tired as hell now, but I want to stay awake. I want to cherish this in case it never happens again. So I start up a conversation.

“This is nice.”

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re about half way through the story I believe, give or take. Holy shit. I have some gooooooooooood plans for what’s gonna happen next. It might be kinda angsty.... but like hurt/comfort type of angst. I think you all are gonna like the next few chapters

“Huh?” Garrett says, looking down at me.

“It’s just… this is nice, you know? Like, I’m able to be vulnerable and comfortable with you now. I don’t have to hide. Every time you’d asked me if I wanted to share the bed I always wanted to say yes… but I was scared. And self conscious. But… I don't feel so bad now that you know.”

“Aww Andrew,” Garrett coos, pulling me closer, “ Why were you feeling self conscious? I mean, I know that it was over something gender related, but what was it?”

“Well,” I start. It’s weird talking about this. I don’t think I’ve ever really opened up to someone about all of my insecurities before.

“A lot of it is just my body. Like, gosh I feel weird talking about this. But, I haven't had any surgeries. Like, sex-transition surgeries. So, when I go to bed, I normally have to take off my binder because you aren’t supposed to sleep with it on because it can hurt your lungs and ribs and stuff. So, when I’m sleeping like that I get nervous that you’ll see.”

“Sorry to sound stupid, Andrew, but what’s a binder?”

Sometimes I forget that not everyone is like me. It’s weird. Words like “binder” and “packer” and “HRT” are just such a normal part of my vocabulary now.

“Oh yeah. So, a binder binds your chest. It makes it look flatter and stuff. More masculine.”

“And you have to wear one everyday?”

“Yeah.”

“Again, sorry if this comes across as weird, but why do you have to wear one? Not like, in general, because I understand the concept of it. But I mean your chest looks completely flat right now.”

I blush. I don’t think Garrett knows- or could ever understand how much that means to me.

“Well… I have one on right now. So, that’s why I look ok.”

“But didn’t you say they weren’t safe to sleep in?”

Damn. Why did I have to mention that? I feel bad. I don't want him to worry for me, but I also don't think I can take it off.

“Yeah...uh… yeah. I mean… I should be fine for tonight.”

I bury my face further into Garrett, hoping the conversation can just end there. But of course, Garrett being a good human being doesn’t let that happen.

He sits up, still holding me close.

“Andrew… I’m worried for you. I want you to be safe. I really dont think its a smart idea for you to keep that on tonight.”

“I know but,” I look away shyly, “I wanted to share a bed tonight. I was excited to finally be able to just relax with you.”

“Oh Andrew. You can still do all that. We can still chill together and lay together and cuddle. But you really can't sleep with that on.”

I don't really know how to respond so I just sigh into him. I know he’s right. But I wish he wasn’t.

“Please Andrew. You know I won't judge you for having it off. I could never judge you.”

“But… you’ll be able to see everything.”

“Would you want to wear one of my sweaters? Mine should be big on you so it’ll be nice and comfortable but also help to cover up.”

I move slightly away from Garrett so I can actually see his face. He looks genuinely concerned but also loving.

I huff.

“You’re not gonna let up, are you?”

“I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself, Andrew.”

“Fine. Ok. But… please don’t… you know… look at my chest or anything. Please.”

Garrett smiles before standing up.

“Of course I won't. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, Andrew. I just want you to be safe.”

Garrett searches through his closet, flipping through his clothes until he pulls out a green and grey hoodie.

“Here you go. This one’s super comfortable. I think I got it from the thrift store? I don't know. But yeah… it’s cozy.”

I smile quickly before taking the sweater from him. 

As I make my way to the bathroom, I start to feel kind of anxious. I’m scared of him seeing me like this. None of my friends have ever seen me without a binder on. 

Why is it that Garrett makes me wanna open up so much? Why does he make me feel so much braver than I actually am? If this was anyone else, I could never even think of sleeping in the same bed as them, let alone without a binder on.

Once in the bathroom, I pull off the t-shirt I was wearing before taking off my binder. I didn’t realize how hard it had been to breathe until now. I put the shirt back on quickly before tossing on the hoodie. 

It’s extremely comfortable. More so than I would want to admit. I turn and look in the mirror. You can kind of see what I look like in the chest area, but if I hunch over a tiny bit it all goes away.

I head back to the bedroom, binder in hand.

Garrett’s sitting up in bed. He turns to me and smiles before clapping his hands together.

“Yayyy! Andrew! Is that more comfortable?”

“Yeah. Sorry for worrying you. It’s just hard to be open and at ease when I’m… you know.”

Garrett nods his head.

“Don’t worry about it, Andrew. I’m just glad you’re staying safe.”

I put my binder down on the chair that holds my clothes from the day before laying back down.

Garrett pats the spot next to him, inviting me to lay. I oblige, laying my head back on his shoulder.

We’re silent again before Garrett starts the conversation back up.

“Are you ever just… really romantically lonely, Andrew? Like, longing for someone who you know you’ll never get to be with?”

I blush a little.

I think I know the exact feeling he’s talking about.

“Yeah.”

“It’s just like… I don’t know. Is it possible to fall in love before you’ve started dating someone?”

“I think so… yeah. Like, if you’re friends and such.”

We both pause.

“Have you ever fallen in love, Andrew?”

And then he looks at me. The room is dimly lit with soft, warm lighting and then it all hits me, the fact that I’ve been pretending wasn’t there.

Holy shit.

I’m in love.

“Yeah...yeah I think so. But it’s really hard - at least for me- to date when I’m not cis. Because I get scared that this guy I like isn’t ok with dating people like me. Like, what if I scare him off? What if he’s grossed out? I mean, he’s gay! So what if he’s uncomfortable with me being like this? I wanna tell him about how I feel, but sometimes I get confused. What if I just envy him and who he is? What if it’s not actually love? But then other times, I’ll look at him and my mind just goes blank because I love and care about him so deeply that I don't even know if I’m able to process it.”

Why did I just say all that?

“I think I might be in love too.”

“Can I ask for his name?”

“No,” Garrett shakes his head and blushes, “I can’t tell you right now. It’s not the right time.”

I blink. I feel the same way. 

“Can I ask you a question, Garrett?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think anyone will ever love me? Not in a friend way, in a relationship way?”

“Of course, Andrew!” Garrett exclaims, “Yes! Why would you think no one would?”

“Well… it’s just that, as I mentioned, I don’t know if a guy could ever love me when I’m like this.”

I feel my eyes water. I’ve never talked about this with anyone. Fuck, I dont wanna cry.

“Andrew,” Garrett whispers, gently wiping my eyes, “Of course someone will love you. Maybe someone already loves you now.”

“But how? How could someone want me like this?”

“A, trust me when I say, as a gay guy myself, I could 100% see myself dating and being in love with a trans person. I could see myself marrying a trans person. I know someone loves you romantically, Andrew.”

“Why do you use that word?” I sniffle.

“What word?”

“...Trans.”

“What do you mean?” Garrett runs his fingers through my hair.

“It’s just… how are you so comfortable saying it?”

“Well… I mean it isn’t a bad word. It’s just… a part of life I guess. I don't see it as anything negative so I don’t have any feelings toward saying it.”

“I just… almost never say it. The only times I’ve ever said it was when coming out to people. I don't know how to… I guess how to be ok with it?”

“Hmm,” Garrett hums, “Maybe you just need some help learning to love how you are. Maybe you could learn to take power over the word and not let it loom above you.”

“But I don't know how to do that.”

“What do you think would help?”

“Well… I mean…” I groan, “Garrett you’re gonna think this is dumb.”

“No I wont! Just lay it on me!”

“Being around you… really helps. You make me feel safe and like I’m actually worth something. “

Garrett doesn’t say anything. He just hugs me tight and continues to play with my hair.

“I’m glad I can be helpful, A.”

“You’re really the only thing that’s helping me get through this all right now. Thank you… for everything.”

I pause.

“Love you.”

“Love you too, Andrew.”

  
  
  



	13. Uh Oh Sorry I’ve Been Gone (A/N)

Hey dudes!

It's me, Baby.

Sorry I've been missing!!! There was a while where I kinda lost steam with writing. I wrote ch 14 and I hated it so I had to completely scrap it. It was very triggering and the pacing felt too fast. I've since realized that I don't necessarily need to have it be triggering in order to get the emotions I wanted across (not sure if that makes sense).

I also was very stressed over school. I just finished the year (I failed two classes lol) so I have time to sit down and write again.

Expect new chapters starting by Wednesday :-)

I'm also probably gonna start a Gandrew Oneshots collection soon.

Anyways, sorry for being gone. I really miss writing this story. I'm excited to write for you all again :-).

-(Baby)


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